What I’ve Learned about Relationships and Mental Illness

Relationships and mental illness — can it work out? People who struggle with mental health issues might find themselves wondering if they can handle a relationship as well. I know I did. After all, it’s hard to think about being with another person when some days just managing life feels hard.

I didn’t date that much in my twenties. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at the age of 19, and I honestly thought that being in a relationship would be too much stress. I had all these worries — what if I wasn’t fun to be with? What if my partner got fed up with my issues and left? What if I wasn’t ready to deal with being in a relationship alongside dealing with my mental health?

And worst of all — what if I told someone about my mental health issues and they ran in the opposite direction? There’s such a stigma about mental health that I worried a lot about how my prospective partner might react.

I’m nearly 40 now and have been happily married for 15 years. Along the way, I’ve learned a few things about balancing a relationship together with mental health issues. Here’s what I’ve learned about relationships and mental illness.

1. They Are Totally Compatible

Having a relationship is as possible for you as it is for anyone else! Whether we have mental health issues or not, each person comes with their own “stuff.” A mental health condition doesn’t have to be a barrier to a healthy relationship. Yes, it does take a bit of work, but it’s totally doable.

2. But You Have to Find the Right Person

The key to having a good relationship is to find the right person. You’ll need someone who is open minded about mental health and empathic enough to be willing to learn and understand. Someone who shows patience when you are having a rough day.

3. Disclosure Is a Must

Keeping your mental health a secret puts immense pressure on you, and that stress will only add to your problems and make your symptoms even worse. To have a successful relationship you need to know you can be open about your issues, even on your worst days.

4. But Pick Your Time

Knowing when to disclose is a tough call. On one hand, you probably don’t want to mention it on the first date. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it is very personal. On the other hand, you don’t want to get really invested in the relationship only to find out they can’t handle it. I waited until it was obvious this was more than just a handful of dates, before we made any commitments

5. Know Your Limits

Your mental health condition most likely put some limits on what you can do in a day. For me, I know if I get too stressed, my anxiety gets worse. So I have to take things more slowly than some people. Stress might affect you in a completely different way, but be aware when it does.

6. But Don’t Make Your Partner Responsible

Ultimately, only you are responsible for your behavior and for managing your mental health. It’s a good idea to make your partner aware of how your condition affects you and it’s absolutely ok to ask them for support — but don’t make them responsible for you. For example, sometimes my depression makes it hard for me to get motivated for a night out, but I don’t stop my husband from going out. My depression is not his problem to solve.

A healthy relationship can actually boost your mental health by bringing joy, laughter, and support into your life. If you’ve been worrying about having a relationship because of your mental health, I’d say, why not give it a try? Just be aware of your needs and limits — make sure the relationship is nourishing, not draining, you!

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