Question
I’ve ruined my past three relationships by cheating. I want to be loyal but just can’t help it – it’s like I get to a certain stage in a relationship and have to sabotage it. I really like my current girlfriend and am worried it’s going to happen again. How do I stop?
Answer:
There can be many reasons why we sabotage a good relationship and most of them are actually a reflection of an emotional issue inside us that we project out. Most of the time this behaviour is based in fear.
Sometimes we cheat because we are fearful of intimacy. We may have had difficult relationships with those close to us, such as our parents, or experienced relationships which have hurt us.
And so we develop a fear of becoming close to people. Being in love can feel vulnerable – we are exposing ourselves to the risk that we may be hurt. It is actually the easy option to sabotage the relationship.
Scared of abandonment
If you cheat, then the relationship is over and it is almost like you are trying to keep yourself emotionally safe by ruining the relationship on your terms. This is a false sense of control as, ultimately, it ruins your happiness.
We may sabotage the relationship because we believe that we do not deserve to be happy or we may be scared of abandonment, so we abandon our partner first to “save ourselves”. We may also be fearful of commitment.
Our subconscious mind serves up beliefs that paint a negative picture of life in a relationship. And however strongly part of us wants the relationship, we fall into the default mode of cheating.
The good news is that you have recognised this pattern and you want to change it. There is obviously a part of you that wants something different and it is important to focus and put all of your energy on this part. This is the way out of your sabotaging patterns.
Working out the pattern
Examine and write down your beliefs about relationships and then write down what your pattern is: how far do you get before you cheat? What are your feelings at that trigger point? These behaviours are a direct result of your beliefs.
Don’t feel ashamed of these beliefs. We all have them. However, you are a grown-up, so take responsibility for them and take action.
Once you have become aware of these patterns, you can start to try to change them. Sometimes you can do this on your own, sometimes it is helpful to discuss this issue with your partner, or you may need some professional help.
Reader’s answers
You sound like a chaser to me, seeing if you can get the girl and once you’ve got her you move right on to the next challenge. You also seem insecure. Deep down you’re frightened the same thing could happen to you. You’re obviously not cut out for lasting relationships at present, so you need to be honest with yourself and, most importantly, anyone you’re attracted to. – Brian Murray
Of course you can help it! This is not something that just happens; this is something you make a conscious choice to do. Just choose not to. – Judy Anne
Life is about taking responsibility for our actions. Start taking responsibility for yours and think of your partner’s feelings for once. – Jim Talbot
Hypnotherapy could help you get to the root of why you sabotage your relationships. – Ali Seamer
Maybe you need therapy if you can’t grow up and stop making bad decisions. – Penny White
Next week’s question
One of my old school friends has asked me to be her bridesmaid. I was surprised, as we haven’t spoken much since we left school, as she never replies to my messages. I’m very busy at the moment and am not sure I want to be her bridesmaid. What should I tell her?
Send your questions to Dr Radha: [email protected] or post your advice on Facebook theipaper or Twitter @theipaper
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