Who's That in the Mirror? Update Photo

The other day, I took my daughter shopping to pick out some clothes.  It was going great and I was feeling quite good about myself and healthy because I am back on track with the eating and exercise. When she went into the dressing room to try on a few things, I sat down in a chair close by. While I waited, another girl came out of a different dressing room and left the door open. The entire inside of that door was a giant mirror... and the way it was left open, it was angled directly at me. And WHOA. Who is that person in the mirror???

I am not generally inclined to be critical of my body, and I know I am morbidly obese again and look really fat when I see myself standing in the full length mirror in my bedroom. But this was too much!! I cannot even state how I looked sitting there with my fat all bunched up around my middle, hips flowing to the sides of the chair, stomach on my lap. What is it about sitting that makes everything look SO much worse? When I stand all the fat is stretched out over my body and yeah it looks bad but still like a human. I still have a waist and obviously feminine shape and I don't look for TOO long and I am sure my brain edits the image a little bit so I think I look fat, but okay. But that image of me sitting in the chair looked like a huge formless blob with a head and legs. I was so shocked it took me a moment to recognize myself. And then I thought, oh my god, this has to stop! I was so astounded that after a moment letting it register, I grabbed my phone. I wanted to snap a picture of that reflection and keep it as motivation NOT to eat junk, and to exercise and eat better and get back into human shape. But just then, someone went into the dressing room and shut the door. And I was left sitting there with that image of myself stuck in my head, and a sense of shame and embarrassment hanging over me.

I had to erase that and let it go. I had to because if I think of myself that way, and dwell on how heartsick I am over letting myself regain over 80 pounds and becoming *this* again, I would probably drown my sorrows in ice cream and chips and waste my life buried in self-loathing. And there's no point in that. I need to focus on getting better again, on fixing this for the last time, on getting it done and then learning how to maintain. I have already been doing that this week... eating better, tracking calories and carbs and protein, getting on the bike again. So I am proud of myself for that.

But I did come home and take a photo of me sitting on my bed. I want to remember this light bulb moment that motivated me to turn things around before it's too late.

July 2017: 253 pounds

Weight Loss